Inspecting Implicit Expectations

Unchecked expectations may be inadvertently influencing us

Bodies slump over a conference table in various states of consciousness in yet another ‘meeting that should have been an email.’ Something insanely boring is happening at the front of the room. But suddenly, I pop on top of the conference table and start tap dancing! Maxi Fords, falap ball changes, double pullbacks, wings! I circle around the top of the table relishing in the sheer astonishment of my onlookers. No one has any clue how to react, their mouths just hang open.

Generative AI again, making creepy faces and lacking in diversity

That’s a fantasy I entertained many times in my early career at Honeywell. In my mind, I loved the shock value. What would people have done? Of course, my behavior would have been completely outside expectations of societal norms and my work persona. 

Recently, I’ve been contemplating how limiting expectations can be. Not the “people shouldn’t tap dance on tables during meetings” kind of expectations, but the unspoken yet still perceptible expectations others have for us and we carry for ourselves. 

When stepping out of bounds of expectations, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable. For instance, I still experience unease posting online and I know some individuals feel discomfited reading my words. Writing, especially about non-work topics, is outside of the expectations some people hold for me.

Staying within expectations, on the other hand, keeps us in our comfort zone. There's no friction, no misunderstandings, and less judgment. 

But expectations, if not surfaced and challenged, can limit us from living in our truth. Perhaps a relatable example of potentially binding expectations are those of parents. I’ve always understood my parents’ expectations without direct conversation. Even as a kid, simple things like getting good grades or going to bed at a reasonable hour were givens.

As an adult, I finally openly challenged and then stepped outside of my parents’ expectations for the first time. When it came to both getting divorced at 26 and quitting my job to travel at 27, these decisions violated their expectations and also directly confronted their hard-held beliefs. While the tension hurt, my decisions were ultimately true to myself.

For months, my parents and I have been stuck at another impasse. Recent revelations of mine sit outside their expectations and beyond their comprehension. I sought understanding and support, but it isn’t happening. So we haven’t been speaking, unable to find a resolution. I’ve wanted to break the stalemate, I just didn’t know how. 

At dinner with my sister-in-law and our kids the other night, we were discussing the situation. Soft deliveries aren’t always her thing, so she repeatedly interjected, “Who cares?!” in between my spoken thoughts. It wasn’t a “I don’t care what you’re saying” - who cares. It was a “Why must you care what they think?” - who cares. 

It didn’t strike me as the most helpful advice in the moment, but when the situation with my parents surfaced in my mind in the days following, I inadvertently responded by blurting out “Who cares?!” followed by laughing at myself. Really, I know why I care. But really, why should I care? It is my life, not theirs. I can’t live my life inside their expectations but outside my truth. I don’t need them to understand me. I can move past this by countering their inevitable commentary with an internal “Who cares?!”¹

I suppose my parents are an extreme example of binding expectations, and parental expectations are usually some of the easiest to perceive. Less lucid are those expectations, of both others and ourselves, that we internalize but don’t actively identify.

Reflecting on your own life now, what are some of the expectations you believe others have for you? Consider your parents, parental figures, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, children, partners, coworkers, etc.

Have you ever considered if those expectations are subconsciously influencing you?

If you could erase all of those unspoken expectations, what might you do differently?

Upon my own reflection, I wrote down several current and historical implicit expectations I have for myself.² A portion of them I have directly questioned in the past, while others I had never actively acknowledged or evaluated. 

What expectations do you have for yourself?

Have you ever challenged if those are valid for you or if they’re just there by default? Perhaps because of society, because you want to stay safely inbounds, or because you’re just projecting your past self forward into the future, assuming you couldn’t change?

Just imagining, for a brief moment, my existence without the weight of expectations, I feel unbounded. Free to fully envision myself as I could be. 

1. During a period of low self-esteem in college, where tough classes and crappy guy experiences were bringing me down, one day I just started ending every depressing story with “it’s because I’m awesome.” Absolutely no part of me felt that way at the time, but I did think it was funny. After several months though, my self-esteem recovered, in part because I started believing my own words. This is why I am hopeful repeatedly blurting out “Who cares?!” to my internal monologue will help me solidify not caring.

2. Here are some of my past/current implicit expectations of myself, maybe some are relatable for your own reflection:

• I will get married young

• I won’t get divorced

• I will have children

• I will major in something hard

• I won’t do anything that meaningful with my life

• I can’t be vulnerable and professional at the same time

• I will stay in tech

• I will keep up with my peers in terms of career progression

• I will increase my earnings year over year

• I won’t start my own business

• I won’t take big risks with money

• I will accept my children for who they are

• I will inevitably screw up my children in some unavoidable way

• I won’t move abroad again until I’m older

• I will live a mostly normal, quiet life

• I won’t ever fully retire but instead transition where I put my energy

• I will try at writing but maybe not the kind of trying that actually enables you to succeed

• I won’t take big enough risks to fail that hard

• Monogamous relationships are right for me

• I am straight

• I will always be honest with myself and others

• I will always be there for people, even if something happened between us or it’s been a long time